How Can I Build A Village?
It’s taken me some time to find my people after moving post-law school and having kids during Covid. The below are many of the things I tried or know have worked well for others to build a mom crew. Finding community has made the highs higher and the lows not quite as lonely.
Before jumping into suggestions on how to find people you may want to spend time with, my number one key to building a village is…
BE A VILLAGER!
You likely already have an idea of some people you’d like to be in your village. Be the first person to invest in relationships. If you have acquaintances or casual friends, people you know at daycare, neighbors you say hello to when you cross paths – these are all people who can be a part of your village but it often has to start with you. How can you do this? Initiate the playdate. Ask them to join you at the playground. When someone has a new baby, drop off a meal. Offer to drive their kid to sports or a birthday party you’re already going to. Organize the meal train for someone going through a tough time. This is how you can start to convert casual friends into something deeper.
- Join a Co-op Preschool: This is my #1 tip for finding your people. We joined our first preschool during Covid and interaction with other families was almost nonexistent. We dropped off and picked up in the reception area and once set foot in the classroom. There were no organized communication methods or social gatherings with other families. After our one year contract was over, we moved to a cooperative preschool or a co-op. Co-ops often require parents to volunteer in some way whether through parent jobs, classroom time, or some other method. Think of this as a deposit – you have to invest some of your time and resources and then you can withdraw from the establishment of an organized group of families who want to be connected. Some of the offerings from co-ops include: WhatsApp groups by classroom, organized outings for parents, moms and dads groups, monthly pizza at the park for the whole family, school-planned trips to the zoo, and more. Many of our weekends have been spent at informal playground meet-ups with our co-op friends or at events planned by the co-op social chairs.
- Plug Into the Childcare You Do Have: If you can’t or don’t want to join a co-op, create the spirit of community at your current childcare. Organize an informal playground outing or set up a WhatsApp group. It feels hard to put yourself out there but someone has to be the first! Ask the teacher if you can set up a parents group and to send out the communication for you if needed, or choose a time and a place and ask for them to post it for parents.
- Sign Up Your Kids For Activities: It can be wise to limit any extracurriculars. I already feel like I’m running from one thing to the next. But one perk of doing activities is meeting other people. In particular, Mommy and Me type classes require parents to join in and give the benefit of a regular period of time each week where you’ll interact with other parents.
- Ask the People You Do Know to Introduce You to Their Friends: Make a (mental or real) list of all the people you know and ask them if they know any moms in your town. Think people from childhood, college, jobs, sports. Ask your parents, siblings, cousins, college roommate, you name it. People are often eager to connect you with someone you might hit it off with.
- Host Large Birthday Parties: This is a favorite of mine. When its time for your kid’s birthday, invite their entire class and make a note that siblings are welcome. Host the event at a public playground so you don’t have to worry about unpredictable numbers of people or cleaning. Hold it during a mealtime if budget permits and provide something for the adults to eat and drink. It doesn’t need to be fancy. If you publicize this on the invite, people will hang out and chat. I have done morning parties with pastries, coffee, apple sauce, and cupcakes and late afternoon parties with pizza or Chickfila and fruit. I always have seltzer and water. I try to offer a few simple activities for the kids like stomp rockets, chalk, bubbles, or cookie decorating, or I bring a bunch of basketballs.
- Join a Local Pool or Country Club: There are extensive waitlists in my area for pools but sign up as soon as you can if you’re interested! You will inevitably come across the same families all summer long and can organically get to know people this way. Many pools host a variety of events all summer so check if any in your area offer raft nights, food truck days, and holiday events. If its affordable for you (it isn’t for us!), join a country club! Most have dedicated year-round events for families.
- Find a Parents Group in Your Area: Ideally you would find a group that is centered on in-person gatherings. This is especially easy when you have a new baby and/or are a first time mom. Some ideas include: postpartum group through the hospital where you delivered, Fit4Mom, MomCo, Moms Club. You can and should also look for online focused groups because they will still host events or highlight events in your community.
- Join Your Neighborhood List Serve: If you don’t know if you have one or know how, ask a neighbor! If no one is posting about activities, write a post and ask if anyone wants to meet up or for suggestions on how to meet moms.
- Show Up for Activities in Your Community: Go to library story times at the same library each week. Take your baby on a walk in your neighborhood every day. Go to parks. Sit outside at the coffee shop. Attend your college’s alumni events. If you hit it off, ask to exchange numbers!
- Join a Church: While I haven’t yet done this, its something I’ve considered. I have friends with wonderful church communities that show up for them in good times and bad.