My kids are still relatively young so I’m still learning how to inspire independence and autonomy in them. But as someone who was regularly starting the family’s dinner when I got home from school by putting a whole chicken in the oven, for example, it is really important to me that my kids also internalize this same spirit of getting things done from a young age. A huge part of this starts with giving them as much control as you can over their lives. At first, honestly, it feels pretty painful to watch my preschooler get dressed in a combination of her brother’s old rashguard, a tie dye skirt, and patterned leggings for school in February or to witness our oldest spray water all over the bathroom floor showering on his own. Letting your kids establish their autonomy at a young age is an investment for future you – and them. But for present you some days it can be a bit of a slog. I am slowly starting to see some payoff in my oldest who gleefully made frozen waffles for the family for breakfast this week.
I was not always like this. With my first, I was so excited and also probably a bit controlling that I was always down on the floor playing with them or following them around. As they got older, they grew to expect this constant level of attention and it was not positive for either of us. As we’ve had more kids, they’ve all received a dose of benign neglect and they’ve become such better people because of it! They can play by themselves for a little bit, they can try to open their own yogurt or find their lost sock, and they’re happier and more capable for it.
These are know your kid and yourself suggestions. Don’t do anything that you or your kid doesn’t feel comfortable with.
- From day one, practice the pause – don’t rush to pick up a baby when they cry out or experience a challenge, see if they can work it out themselves. Start with even one minute at first and then build up over time. For older kids, do not immediately try to fix their problems. Sometimes its okay if they fuss a bit about something as they work up the nerve to attempt to solve it.
- Use an okay to wake clock as soon as your kids are sleeping through the night to help them follow a schedule. My kids don’t always follow this but they know we expect them to stay in their rooms and read until their light changes in the morning
- Tell your kids what they can expect in their day within reason – kids are just like us and they want to know what their day will be like. If you can give them a preview, it helps them feel more in control of their lives
- Have them select and set out their clothes for the next day each night – routines are key!
- Let them make their own decisions as much as possible – pick breakfast choices from the menu of options, choose songs on the way to preschool, etc. Emphasize that we are all part of a family, and we all get to choose to do things we enjoy and we also support each other’s choices (Mom gets a turn to pick her songs too!). Within reason, I allow my children to choose their extracurriculars for each season.
- Get your preschooler a large calendar and mark important dates. Teach them to cross off each day and count towards bigger milestones
- Give your kids chores – kids surprisingly enjoy this and feel good about “contributing” to the house. My oldest is responsible for the recycling
- Give your kids an allowance and let them spend it however they want. We do not tie this to the chores necessarily. I also use it for consequences – my kid destroyed something that I bought them and I had them use their allowance to pay for it. Easy lesson on the value of things
- Provide unstructured time for kids to play – Once my kids graduate from naptime, we enforce a daily “quiet time” in which the kids can play in their rooms (together or separately) for 60-90 minutes. The only rules are they cannot come bother the adults. I am amazed at the little games and elaborate set-ups they come up with when they have time and space that is free from adult interference or rules. Let’s be real, this is not why we do this. I really need the break – to read, close my eyes, sit in silence! But the unintended benefits are also important.
- Have your kids buy each other gifts for holidays/birthdays – we love this and it gives them a sense of pride in each other and our family
- At the end of the day, I have high expectations for my kids but I give them a lot of freedom at the same time. I think this goes hand in hand – I believe in them to do things for themselves and therefore I also believe if given the space to do so, they can make good choices and figure things out.